Starfield:Noam

Noam (00240492, 00255D07)
Location	Cydonia
Editor ID	UC_CY_Noam
Race	ModelARace	Gender	Male
RefID	00240492	BaseID	00255D07
Other Information
Faction(s)	United Colonies, CydoniaFaction

Noam

Noam is a Lunar Robotics Robot Model A owned by Deimos Staryards Inc. He was originally intended to assist in mining operations in Cydonia, but has broken down. With no parts available to fix him, he has been reprogrammed to pass messages on, report on the news, and help with morale.

Dialogue

He has numerous greetings:

"I have been unable to move from this spot for over seven years. I have also been programmed not to complain about it."

"Sorry. My clock function is currently inoperative. A watch may be a worthwhile investment for you."

"Reminder: Deimos Staryards has declared next Friday a work holiday as commendation for your hard work. This message is over... three... years old."

"User not found in database. There are currently no messages for you. Does no one care about you?"

"Hello. I am Noam. I am here to assist the workers with any questions they may have. I am also here for their amusement."

If you stop speaking mid-conversation, he will say:

"You have gone silent."

"Are your audio functions inoperable?"

"I am waiting for your input."

Noam will end conversations by saying:

"I am registering that you are leaving. Goodbye."

"I will still be here if you need help later. I cannot go anywhere."

"Goodbye."

The first time you speak to him, he will introduce himself by saying:

"Hello, stranger. I am Noam. What can I do for you?"

You look like you've seen better days. What happened to you?

"I was activated seventeen years ago. I malfunctioned, and have been in disrepair and unable to move for over nine years. Repairs are too costly, and I am well past my warranty expiration. Now, my primary function is that of an automated personal assistant. It was chosen over deactivation."

I don't even know what you CAN do for me.

"I can make general announcements, and relay messages from one registered miner to another, and I can report about local news. All news and information has been supplied by employees of Deimos' mining operations. I have also been programmed with a limited selection of jokes, but I have been told to warn you: they are not good."

You have a few topics you can discuss with him:

Do I have any messages?

"Sorry, you must be an employee of Deimos Staryards to access the messaging function. And you... are not."

What's the latest announcement?

"Don't forget. This month's target goals have been increased by 5%. Failure to meet your new goal may result in termination of your current contract. Good thing you do not work here."

What's happening in the local news?

"Red Devils return? The Terrormorph Management Division has committed to reopening the Red Devils Headquarters after nearly 20 years, in order to address the Terrormorph threat! Research has begun at the center to develop a microbe capable of infecting and sterilizing Terrormorphs before they become a problem. I'm sure nothing bad could possibly come as a result of genetic tampering. It's not as if it's the subject of countless works of fiction."

"Space Frog from outer space! Posters featuring a small green frog creature in a space helmet have popped up all over town. Word is he's a massive hit across the known universe! Locals are enamored with Space Frog's charm, and rumor is he was created by none other than Cydonia's own creative child superstar, Renee Shelby! When asked about Space Frog merchandise, Renee was quoted saying "Space Frog should be free to anyone who wants to feel happy!" Power to you, kid!"

"Treasure in the deep mines! A significant deposit of rare aqueous hematite was discovered in the mines of Cydonia. Thanks to recent discoveries, this mineral is regarded as highly valuable, and should lead to increased prosperity for local miners. However, reports indicate that the influx of credits will not go towards repairing any particularly broken robots, but towards job creation for people."

"Good riddance to bad intent! Our very own Henry "Hank" Ferraro was guilty of a fiendish plot to ruin Deimos mining operations and upset the livelihood of your coworkers! No one who worked with him seemed to be surprised by the revelation."

"Tools of the trade! Our Deimos corporate overlords have recently granted a request for new equipment, yet they still cannot manage to fund repairs for yours truly. Now, miners can expect to produce more than twice the work for the same pay! At least the suits are happy!"

"Miner felony! Local Miner, Rivkah Ovadia, was recently taken away by a bounty hunter from the Freestar Collective. Thought, details are scant, rumor is she was wanted for assault and grand theft."

"Governor, or Governot! Governor Hurst abruptly stepped down from his position amidst rumors of a scandal involving his private spaceship, though details are scant. Vincent Woodard has been appointed the Interim Acting Governor in his stead while the UC authorities decide how to proceed. I'm hoping for a more corrupt official so I can report more scandals. Relaying the news is the highlight of my limited functions."

"Gone but not forgotten! Rumors swirl about the return of the famed Red Devils! Authorities have reportedly been in discussions to reestablish Mars' most elite fighting force. Of course, I've been reporting this news for 15 years straight, but yes, surely, this time it's really going to happen."

"Va'ruun aggression in our own back yard! House Va'ruun, intent on crippling our most elite military force, launched an attack on the Red Devils' headquarters. With the assistance of local mercenaries and freebooters alike, the threat was quickly extinguished. Authorities are discussing potential retaliation measures. Did the giant space snake just forget to portend its followers crushing defeat? I guess we'll never know."

"Red Devils return? The Terrormorph Management Division has committed to reopening the Red Devils Headquarters after nearly 20 years, in order to address the Terrormorph threat! The cloning program has also been reinstated in order to bring back the Terrormorph's only know predator: the Aceles. No news on whether new recruits will be training to fight off a larger, more dangerous threat once it decimates the Terrormorph population."

"Red Devils return? The Terrormorph Management Division has committed to reopening the Red Devils Headquarters after nearly 20 years, in order to address the Terrormorph threat! Research has begun at the center to develop a microbe capable of infecting and killing Terrormorphs before they become a problem. I'm sure nothing bad could possibly come as a result of genetic tampering. It's not as if it's the subject of countless works of fiction."

"Mysterious breaking and entering! Local UC police are on the lookout for a suspect connected with a breaking and entering charge at Cydonia's Trade Authority branch. Nothing valuable seems to have been taken, and authorities have no description of the suspect. File this one under "who cares," am I right?"

"No doom with this quake! A helpful reminder that subterranean particle fracking has resumed after its recent hiatus. Residents and workers alike are encouraged to heed the warning announcements and brace themselves for any turbulence when the blasts go off. Thankfully, you can rest easy knowing that detonations no longer occur at all hours of the night. Feel free to toss your alarm clocks, however, because they resume bright and early every morning!"

"There is currently no new news to report."

"New info on old nuisance! Recent findings are shining new light on the origin of the deadly Terrormorph creatures. It turns out that Heatleeches are in fact what passes for the larval form of the Terrormorph, once again proving that not all babies are cute. It's critically important that you immediately report any Heatleech infestations to UC extermination teams for removal, unless you are qualified to exterminate them yourself."

"A new champion! Infamous blood sport, the Red Mile, sees a new champion emerge to shatter Donovan Rhys' incredible twenty-eight win streak!

Rhys has yet to publicly comment on this remarkable feat. Could this prompt him to come out of retirement and take back his title? And, how many other newcomers will needlessly throw away their lives in pursuit of an ultimately hollow victory? Only time will tell!"

Can you tell me a joke?

"How can you tell a bad joke from a good joke? A bad joke is fully groan."

"Why did the miner eat her headlamp? Because she wanted a light snack."

"Why do Spacers who live in asteroid belts put beef chunks in their soap? They're accustomed to meatier showers."

"What do you call alien organisms that live in swamps? Marsh-ians."

"Why wasn't the scuba diver invited to the company executives' beach party? Because he was below C-level."

"When is a joke considered a dad joke? When it's apparent."

"I was going to tell you a joke about construction. But, I'm still putting it together."

"What is the best way to throw a party in space? You planet."

"I am reading a book on the effects of anti-gravity. I just can't put it down."

"I used to be a trash compactor in a shoe store. I had to leave that job because it was sole crushing."

"I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace."

"Did you hear about the outdoor restaurant on Phobos? The food is good, but it lacks atmosphere."

"I can only list twenty-five out of the twenty-six letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."

"I am a great computer, but I'm very tight-lipped. If you ask me what I get when I subtract seven-thousand six-hundred forty-two from seven-thousand six-hundred forty-two, I will say nothing."

"How does a moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."

"I could tell you a joke about paper. But it's tear-able."

"My friend was having trouble getting people to sign up for her hide and seek contest. It turns out, good players are hard to find."

"Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies."

"My doctor told me I need to cancel my camping trip and sell my circus tickets. She said I needed to avoid activities that are intense. In tents, get it?"

"Why did the snowman need a moist towelette? Because his arms were "stick-y.""

"I am out of jokes. Would you like to hear them again? I can repeat them forever, and they will be just as funny. I promise."

I don't need anything right now, Noam.

"Then my instructions are to sit here, do nothing, and be ignored. My programming indicates these are three of my favorite things."

Conversations

Noam will have numerous interactions with the human workers of the mine:

Laylah Pulaski: "Noam, leave a message."

Noam: "Leave a message. Okay. For whom?"

Laylah Pulaski: "All miners. Tell them: "Anyone who wants to attempt to drink me under the table tonight at the Broken Spear is welcome to try. Bring your credits.""

Noam: "Okay. Are you sure you want to leave this message for all minors? I should remind you that local laws frown on underage drinking."

Laylah Pulaski: "Not minors, you dumb scrap heap. Miners! With an "e!" Are you trying to get me arrested?"

Noam: "No one has instructed me to do that today, but there's always time."

Samund Berg-Ramirez: "Noam. Any messages for me?"

Noam: "There are two messages for you today. You must be popular. One from Laylah, and one anonymous message."

Samund Berg-Ramirez: "Play the anonymous one."

Noam: "Sure. Message from anonymous is as follows: Hey Samund, you old loser. I know your secret. I know you're a spy sent here to keep an eye on us... that, or you're one of those Red Devils, right? I know you've got that sweet contract. Tell me what I've gotta do to get one like that, or your secret's going public."

Samund Berg-Ramirez: "Yeah, that's obviously from Hank. Tell him he's a fucking idiot. No one ever believed those rumors. And, if he ever tries to pull something like this again, I'll break his god-damned toes."

Noam: "You've got it, Samund."

Gauri Limsong: "Hey Noam, what's up?"

Noam: "Hello... Gauri Limsong. I have something to report to you."

Gauri Limsong: "You do? What is it?"

Noam: "Laylah wanted me to tell you that she borrowed some of your explosives."

Gauri Limsong: "She WHAT?! She knows she's not certified to use those without supervision! What could she possibly need explosives for?"

Noam: "I do not know. It was unclear if she was being truthful, or if this was another fib, like the last time."

Gauri Limsong: "I bet she's messing with me again. But just in case, I'm going to have to have a word with her... Thanks Noam."

He is also the subject of conversations between the staff:

Trevor Petyarre:"Hey, uh, Laylah."

Laylah Pulaski:"Yeah, boss, what's up?"

Trevor Petyarre:"You're the one that's been working on Noam, right?"

Laylah Pulaski :"Oh. Yeah, that's me, I've been adding the news and trying to spice up what he says a bit. You like it?"

Trevor Petyarre:"Well, I appreciate the effort, but... does he really need to tell jokes? I had to remove some of the more uh... risque ones."

Laylah Pulaski :"Oh, shoot! Um, yeah, don't worry. I'll tone it down a bit. I just thought people could use a laugh."

Trevor Petyarre:"No worries, mate. I get it. Just try to keep it clean from now on. Thanks."

Gauri Limsong:"Laylah, I heard you were messing with Noam again. You know he's a robot. He can't discern between truth and lies. "

Laylah Pulaski :"Yeah, but it's funny!"

Gauri Limsong:"Well, last time, you told him to make an announcement as loud as he could that there was free beer over at The Sixth Circle."

Laylah Pulaski :"Aw, I was just having fun. Don't be so serious!"

Gauri Limsong:"Yeah, well, now he's telling anyone who asks about it that it's going on your tab."

Laylah Pulaski :"He what?! Oh, crap! There's no way I can afford all that!"

Gauri Limsong:"Hahahaha!"

Laylah Pulaski :"Wait, you're messing with me, aren't you?"

Gauri Limsong:"Yeah, big time."

Laylah Pulaski :"Hah, you almost had me there, nice job!"

You can ask Laylah about her work on Noam:

So you program Noam?

"Yeah, Noam's been down here forever. He's also been broken forever. Can't actually walk or do work, and we don't have it in the budget to fix him. No one's had the heart to junk him, but when I started, I gave him a new purpose. I programmed him to tell us local news and announcements. I modeled his responses after my own sarcastic sense of humor. It proved to be popular, so I did what any aspiring comedienne would do and gave him a bunch of stupid jokes to tell. People love it!"

Noam will also get mentioned in passing:

^(?): "Yo, you see the size of that hunk of iron I pulled up earlier? Oh! Must have been bigger than Noam!"

Trevor Petyarre: "Shame we didn't have enough left over to fix ol' Noam over there. Would've been nice to have another functional robot around."